好好的做人!

My Dad & I

I am my dad’s eldest daughter.

My dad was a seaman when he was young. He would be out in the sea for at least for a couple of months and will stay in s’pore for another couple of months with his family. During those time was only my dad, my mum, my grandma, my ah gong, my uncles and aunties.

Being the only child at that point of time, I have all of my dad’s attention. Whenever, he is in s’pore, he would bring me to Clifford Pier to have a boat ride before mid year or final year exam. This outing went on till he is no longer a seaman and found a job in s’pore. As I grew older, we have our Sunday jogging around AMK. My dad loves to jogs. My dad loves the harmonica too. When he is happy, he will blow his harmonica and sing one of his favourite song – lu dao xiao ye qu. Right now, his singing is in my mind… how I missed his singing… because of our strained relationship, I seldom hears him sing anymore because of the seldom meet up we have and also because he wasn’t happy.

My dad is very particular of our education hence he would make sure that he engages tutor for me so that I could excel in my studies. And yet I have disappointed him in not making it to the university. Yes, as my brother had put it in his passage that my dad is a stern dad who seldom smiles. I guess the reason why he does not smile is because he has a few concerns to take care of during those times like how to bring in more money for the family and also because of the troubled relationship with my mum. They always quarrel and I hated it very much.

I had my fair share of quarrels with him too. The very big one was when I gave birth to my son in 2002, September. Mum told me that she is having hard time with dad and she wanted to move to 2nd auntie house. I told her since I have spare rooms then why don’t she stay with me and at the same time helped me look after aidan. This was a wrong choice which I made. I did not consider that my dad would be lonely at home alone. So unfilial of me, right? We did make up probably a year later and he has aged a lot then.

During the 3 years my mum stayed with me, things got worst and we no longer stayed together. During the time I was avoiding my mum, I have to meet my dad at coffeeshop for a meal or coffee. In one of our meet-ups, he said sorry to me and it took me by surprise. I only said “orh”. Why didn’t I tell him that forgiveness is in the air? This is the problem with us Chinese; we do not express out our feelings to each other no matter who they are. It’s always until that your loved one has passed on then you will start blaming yourself for not expressing your love to them. My dad did ask me to forgive my mum for the trauma she had given me during the 3 years stay with me and I refused. He told me that we only have 1 mum in our life and no matter what happens, we are still 1 family. Despite of how mum treated my dad, he still speaks up for her and this makes me regain the lost respect I had for him previously.

Talking about respect, I looked up to my dad in our early days together especially when he was in his ns policeman uniform. My dad really looks smart in his uniform attire. And I remembered that I told myself I wanna to be a policewoman when I grow up. I did not end up being a policewoman but my brother fulfilled that for me.

To come to think about it, I did not do my best in spending time with him. I am always busy with work and children that I have ignore that fact that he also needs someone to talk to. Only till now, I have lost him, I missed him so dearly! What kind of daughter am I????????

My brother called me on 25th morning telling me that dad wasn’t feeling well and I told him to bring dad to see doctor in one of the nearby clinic. Later was told by my brother that dad went to hospital instead. I thought that it’s the same ailment he had the last time as he was admitted to hospital before for bloated stomach which later was diagnosed as stomach ulcer which was later cured by some medication without going through any surgery which my dad had dreaded. Dad had told me before that he does not want to suffer in the hospital in the event he falls sick. He always does not believe in western doctors as he felt that they took him as guinea pigs which he does not like. I visited him on 26th to 28th May 2009 after work and spent time talking to him. My brother did sent me an mms on 28th May showing dad’s restless facial expression which kind of worried me and my brother told me that doctor said because of his low blood pressure hence he is restless. I talked to the doctor in charge on 28th May nite time when I was at the hospital and the doctor told me that will discuss my dad’s condition with the kidney doctor before they could tell us more. However, she did pre-empted me that he may need dialysis in order to purge out the water and toxic in his body as they suspected that his kidney is failing him. On the late nite of 28th may, my brother called me and we rushed down to hospital as doctor said that they have no choice but to rushed him to icu to be on 24hrs of dialysis as his condition had gotten worse. Seeing him having tubes all around him pains me deeply. We saw him in the icu ward and I could never ever forgets how he looked at me with his pleading eyes that he does not want tubes around him and he wants it to be taken out but I was helpless. I couldn’t help him do that and had to assured he that doctor will do their best. He was struggling to free himself but he couldn’t. My brother and I decided to stay put in hospital as we would receives calls from the hospital whenever we are on our way home. Guess he just does not want to be alone in the hospital and wanna our company. Guess what, there was no 1 single call from the doctors when we stayed put in the hospital. Strange isn’t it?

On 31st May 2009, things are not improving and my brother and I told each other to be mentally prepared for the worst. I brought charmaine and aidan to visit dad and whisper to him that they had come to visit him, tear trinkle down his eye. Believe he know that they are here to see him. Immediate families came over to visit my dad and upon making sure all of the people he would want to “meet” had turn up; both my brother and I told him to go in peace and not to worry for us.

I started my rosary prayer for my dad on 28th May 2009. Urging GOD to reduce his suffering and that if it’s time for him to be home, please bring him HOME with not much suffering at my dad’s end. If it’s still not time yet, please heal him and and bless him speedy recovery. Since then, every morning and evening, I will do my rosary prayer for my dad and GOD answered my prayer. Indeed, my dad’s suffering was minimized during his stay in ICU.

My dad had attended a Methodist church before when he had stopped working and he shared with me about GOD briefly. Actually, my dad wanted to be a convert Christian before because there was once he was really sick in one of the countries he went during his seaman’s days and a Father had took care of him during those sick period. However, because of my mum’s disapproval, my dad gave up the idea of being a convert Christian. Coincidentally, my religion path is more towards Christianity too, Catholic way.

I have to thank my dad for being very insistant that my Chinese must be the best language because he is a Chinese educated person. Because of him, I am good in this subject and am able to read fan ti zi. Imagine he made me read 三毛流浪and calligraphy too. He always feels that learning calligraphy trained your handwriting to be nice but I gave up after 1 mth of trying… hence, my handwriting is really not nice lor…

This sums up my journey with my beloved dad for the past 35 years.

爸, 我好好好想您! 我們會好好的做人. 不要操心.